Smile

Smiling. It's terribly underrated I think. I've been accused (accurately) of not smiling in pictures. To the point that a lot of my friends assume that I'm constantly brooding and moody (not accurate).
So I've been thinking, why don't I smile more? Its like when I see a picture of myself smiling, my perception gets all wonky. I see crinkles and lines and imperfections that I don't get when I don't smile. However, here's what I've realized. The more I smile, the better I feel. Who wants to go though life all moody and sad? There really is no point in it. Life is meant to be lived. And smiling is a part of that.

We choose happiness. We choose sadness. We may not be able to control some things that happen to us. However for the most part, we choose how to react to those things. And I choose to smile. It gets better. Always. Remember that.

Jake

quick reflections

    my last blog was a little um... down?  Yeah, let's go with calling it down.  Since that entry my thoughts and perspective have changed just a little bit.  Long story short I went on a vacation, and got to connect with some friends.   Over the past few days it gave me a lot of time to think on things.   There are a few people in my life that are pretty amazing.  The funny thing is that two of them I haven't met in person, but they make me feel good about myself, like I can take over the world.  That's what life is about.

     the main point of all of my recent self-analyzing is that I had forgotten how awesome I can be if I allow it.  I'm not saying that in vanity... I'm saying it because I need to remind myself that I don't have to count on others to always build me up.  it's great that they do, but at the end of the day we are our own worst enemies and our biggest cheerleaders.  So be your own rockstar!!!

   A few things have been on my mind lately, some pretty rough situations that I have been thrown.   And I've done my fair share of agonizing over how to handle them.  What I realized is that I am overthinking it all.  The main thing is that I am honest and true to who i am, and that I stick by that, not settle for anything less than what I really want out of life.   So, that's what I'm doing... one step at a time

Numb

I'm kind of numb right now. I got a text a few minutes ago from somebody that I hadn't talked to in a while, at least a year. He works at one of the hospitals and he wanted me to know that my dad was in there. Apparently he had a mild heart attack on Sunday. As in 36 hours ago. And nobody told me.

My father and I don't speak anymore, but nobody thought to call me. I'm not a monster. I'm concerned of course, but this rift between us isn't only my fault, and I've tried to reconcile things to no avail. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. But this just kinda proves what I already knew. I'm no longer a part of that world. That life. That family. And honestly it hurts and really sucks. It makes me think. Makes me want to strengthen the relationships that I do have and be there for the people that care about me before it's too late.

It's hard to live the life we choose at times. To embrace who we really are. Everything comes with consequences and a price. So I'm choosing to be grateful for what I do have. And try not to regret what I don't have. I'll say a prayer and check in on him. But I know where im not wanted. Where I don't belong. My heart is heavy. But I can't dwell. I know it will be ok.

Jake

Case of The Ex

    Life.  It's an interesting roller-coaster that is always catching me by surprise.  And this week has been no exception.  Tuesday night I was hanging out, minding my own business, just listening to some music and working on some stuff for my job.  I heard my phone so i looked at it.  I stared at in in disbelief for a moment, then promptly threw it across the room.  (It landed on a blanket so the phone is okay!!!) So, you may be wondering what kind of message would cause Jake to throw his precious iPhone?  All it said was:

XXXX XXXXXX has added you as a friend on Facebook...

Obviously it said E's name, and not X's, but still I don't need anyone googling him and trying to go egg his car or something.  Anyways, E is my ex.  well maybe i should say THE EX.  It was something that started out good, but never really progressed into something great.  He treated me like crap, and when it ended it ended bad.  I'm talking me not showering for a week and not eating and wanted the world to end bad.  A couple of months after I had moved out, I heard from him again and we had this strange phone/text/email thing but only saw each other a couple of times. Even though we had broken up, I was still attached to him, still let him get to me and the cycle kept going...

   The point is that I finally realized what I was worth, and realized that the "relationship" I had with E was toxic to me, and I owed it to myself to move on for good.  So I did.  And it ended badly again... but this time it really ended, and I had not even thought about him in months. Until this facebook friend request.  I thought about it for a moment, then promptly hit the ignore button.  I can't let him back in, and refuse to revisit that chapter in my life.  Still I wonder why he thought that after all this time he should contact me.  I guess it goes to show that we can never get some people out of or minds or hearts.  But for me, he's not one of those people that is in either my heart or my mind...


    

Misery loves Company?

     It's been said time and time again that Misery Loves Company.  Now I am sure that most people hear this and think that it means that when you're in a bad mood, then people you interact with will get in a bad mood too... Well for me, today, this saying has a different meaning.  I've been down last night and most of today.  And  I have been just making myself worse.  Listening to depressing music, letting the negative thoughts rule my mind, in general just being bitchy and moody. 
      The thing that I am realizing it that this behavior is only causing myself harm.  I don't want to be some bitchy guy that can't be happy and always brings everyone around him down.  Been there.  Done That. However, it's not always that easy to push the negativity aside.  So, I've worked on a list of things that I can do personally that will help me stay positive and be the fun-loving Jake that I know I am... here goes:

Tell Me I'm a Wreck

This is one of my favorite songs, and the video just struck something with me today.  Love is such a complex, intimidating, complicated, catastrophe of emotions.  I analyze everything to death, when once in a while I should just stop.  take a breath and be happy for what I do have, not regretting what I don't have... So that is my short blog for today, I'll let the song say the rest for me... Jake